How To Win Top Prize at the Science Fair
Billy Manson and the Dang! crew offer a step-by-step walkthrough for how to win the science fair.
That's a nice volcano ashtray, but our proprietary "3I" system is the REAL scientific method you need to win:
Step 1: The Internet.
Step 2: Intimidation. You need to be all up in your competitor's respective kitchens, rattling the pots and pans, nonstop. Easiest way to do this is place old leftover pumpkins on smarts kids' doorsteps with a big knife in it and a note that just says "YOU." Also take a closer look at your judges for blackmail potential - was the principle a novelty heavyweight wrestler in the 80s? Is your science teacher a member of NAMBLA? This is the kind of research you need to be doing, and don't wait until the last minute. Prepare an outline of your intended targets at least two weeks out and plan to spend around 10-20 hours on the process. If things don't turn out the way you planned, you can always make something up.
On the big day, get there a little early with a magic marker and write "FAIL" in big letters on everyone else's trifold foam core. Also check with your school's IT administrator about advertising on the Web site. Say for example your name is Alex McClamb, purchase banner ads that say "McLamb Wins Science Fair!" and have them start running the morning of the competition. This saves you money by only needing one ad and you get in everyone's kitchen right up front.
Step 3: Intense Training Montage. Nothing cool has ever happened without one of these, and they're also the best way to make tons of progress in only a few minutes. If possible, try to mix in what we call "fuel for the fire," or competitive training footage, into the video. This could be a smart kid training in a real laboratory with beakers/schematics while you're experimenting on bums in the library (get the smart kid's permission to film this BEFORE you do the pumpkins). And song selection counts - the longer the song and the more obscure the artist, the stronger you'll be when it's over. If you can go more than four minutes to Mark Safan's Win in the End you are ready to be a champion. For a good sample montage, see Rad II: The Matthew Modine Challenge.
After you win, and you will win:
1. Leave the premises immediately. After the blue ribbon is handed out, you're ghost like Swayze. It might be tempting to schedule media opps with your school newsletter/local TV station right there in the gymnasium, but this is a mistake. Jealous losers will try to stomp on your volcano or deny you uncontested glory. We all remember the Dino Valley Debacle of 1982 (above) when the first prize winner hung around too long and caught the wrath of an unidentified honorable mention winner.
And let's clear this up right now - there is only one winner. Any ribbon of any other color might as well be a big handful of egg salad.
2. Talk lots and lots of smack. Once you're in a secure area, hold your press conference and begin a steady online barrage of domination claims. Be sure to publicly thank the other kids and their parents for being so weak. You should also have already made and distributed flyers announcing a celebratory jammy to all the hot mathletes and science groupies, so get to it, and start thinking about regionals.
Guided By Voices - I Am A Scientist
Oingo Boingo - Weird Science
Tokyo Police Club - Nature of the Experiment (RAC Rmx)
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